It’s Monday, What Else is New?

Just as the title says, it’s Monday….weather sucks, I am very over school at this point and I am extremely grumpy, can ya tell?!  Morning class was a waste of my time today.  I got absolutely nothing accomplished.  I have been in the library for about 3 hours now and again, nothing has really resulted in it.

So I am sure you are all(that is sarcasm because I don’t know if anyone even sees this) wondering about the race yesterday…well I am sorry but I am reserving that for a separate post because I would like to wait until I get some pictures to share etc.

I don’t have much to say about today, I have a short fuse and I am just not in the mood to deal with people.  I want to go workout but my body is still sore and recovering.  If i have learned anything it is that you need to listen to your body, SUPER IMPORTANT!  I can barely keep my eyes open and I am in class until probably at least 6:30 in not later.

There are so many things I want to say about yesterday but I am trying super hard to save them all for a specific post on just the run.  I will say that I have been messaging back and forth with this old friend of mine and I am starting to get scared.  Very scared to be perfectly honest.  I can feel things resurfacing and it is quite possibly the most frightening thing in the world for me.  I don’t want to get hurt again and I know there is no way my body can physically or mentally take that amount of pain again.  However I find myself constantly wondering…..all the what if’s and but’s etc are beginning to kill me and I don’t like it at all.  I sit and wait for messages on my phone and wonder whats going on between them, but I don’t know if I like it or not.  One thing is for sure, I need to be very very careful and very cautious about what I am doing.  I still have a lot of doubts and a lot of unanswered questions and I cannot let myself become trapped…

The last thing I will share is an experience I had yesterday, not related to the run.  A woman who lives down the street came up and was talking with my parents.  She looked across the room at me and then asked my mom where I was…she’s got a screw loose that’s for sure.  However she asked me why I was doing this? What possessed me to start this and keep going.  Honestly I HATE this question more than anything in the world.  Why you may ask?  Because whenever the question is asked, I can’t give an honest answer to the person who is asking it, no matter who it may be.  I have been asked this question multiple times before and after a long awkward pause, I spit out some generic answer about how I wanted to get in shape and blah blah blah.  Mind you this answer is not a lie, yes I wanted to get in shape, that is absolutely true.  It is the part I leave out that is probably more important. 

So why? Why did I do it you ask?  Well things got bad, they got bad fast and by bad, well bad is probably and understatement.  I was spinning out of control pretty fast and pretty hard, that’s for sure.  I discovered a mixture of things, between alcohol pills and whatever else worked to basically knock me out until I had to wake up the next day and face the reality that was my life.  I had lost the one person who I thought understood me, I felt lied to and deceived, taken advantage of, and I figured there was basically nothing left so F it.  I continued on the freight train rolling down hill for months.  Fake it til you make it eh?  Well i was getting damn good at faking.

It was at the end of the summer, after my birthday that I decided I needed to make a change.  I went to a friends wedding and got all kinds of sloppy and I knew that was enough.  I didn’t know where to start or what to do or who to call.  It was hard but at that point I really felt like I had no one.  I felt as though everyone had turned against me for multiple reasons.  My relationship with this person was slightly frowned upon by on lookers lets just say.  So in turn I felt like when it ended I had no one because she was gone and the people who I had before were gone because I went against them to be with her.  So of the few people who I still had left among them was a very good friend, one who is still part of this journey today.  He gave me  some small things to start working on and has been building me up every single day.  Dude is amazing and I will swear to this day that he probably saved my life.

When I started I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going or anything to be honest.  What I did know was that I needed a change and I needed it fast or I was going to end up dead.  So I just started going to the gym and following what he told me to do.  By the time January rolled around another friend was home and he joined the gym where I work out.  He started a program and asked me to do it with him and I continued with the changes.  I just followed the plan and stuck to it, it sounds so simple, but everything you need to know is out there somewhere, you just have to put in the time and do your homework.  Every time I left the gym I felt better than the time before and even better than when I walked in the door.  Honestly if it weren’t for that place I have no idea where I would be.  My friends have been an incredible support system and I couldn’t ask for better people in my life.  Some of them think I am crazy and most of them make fun of me but they don’t know any of the things that I just stated above.  I guess if they did they would think twice before making fun of me for not wanting to go to the bar….oh well

So why did I start?  Because I wasn’t ready to become a statistic whether it be from death, obesity, etc. I wasn’t going to do it.  I started because I knew something was wrong and I knew I needed a change.  Do I stand at the mountain tops screaming that I “beat it” no….do I tell everyone how much I’ve lost or how far I have come, nope…I just continue on my journey and keep to myself.  I am enjoying where I am right now.  I feel like I have lost a few friends but I have also gained a few.  Time goes on and people do change, if someone is meant to be a part of you life they certainly will.

I apologize for the depressing post but there were some things I needed to get out there and obviously this is the place where I have begun to do that and I will continue to do it.  If you actually read this, I thank you because you are the encouragement I need.  If this helps you, share it with someone who it might help.  Helping each other is the most important thing we can do.  I received help when I needed it the most and I am going to do anything in my power to help someone who needs it.  You CAN make the change that you want and it IS 100% possible.  You have my word.  It may not happen over night but the harder you work at something the more satisfying that reward will be at the end.

Stay tuned for my post on the race.  Thanks for reading.

Until next time
Keep FSU and Do It For Yourself

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